In my short, 3.5 year career as a mother I have had the opportunity to work outside of the home anywhere from 0-100% of the work week. I’ve been a full-time stay-at-home mom, a work-from-home mom, a full-time working mom, a part-time working mom…the gamut. With each phase I yearned to find the just-right balance of feeling completeness, that elusive phenomena that dangles like a carrot in front of all mothers. The balance of family life and work life is as difficult to pin down as how the Kardashian family got so incredibly famous. I mean, does anyone really know how that happened?

The wonderful thing about being a modern mother in 2017 means that we have CHOICES. I am grateful to have the choice to work outside of the home, the means to have stayed at home, to have ambitions and feel supported, and a profession that allows me to attempt this haphazard trial-and-error journey coming your way. In the next few weeks, I am going to discuss my experiences and perspectives throughout my journey thus far. The topic is near and dear to my heart and as I chat with other mothers, it sounds like it hits close to home to all of us. I’d love to hear your thoughts as well! Let’s start with…

Stay-At-Home Mama

I spent the first year of Waverley’s sweet life staying at home with her. It was an unplanned comorbidity of moving to Alaska during my maternity leave and spending months in Oregon (starting when Waverley was just four months-old) in the final weeks of my dad’s life. At the time we moved to Alaska from Maryland, I was so stressed about not having a job lined up to start right when she turned three months old. In hindsight, not having a job was the best opportunity of my life because it allowed me to be in Oregon near my dad as he fought cancer. (#cancersucks) However, as soon as that whirlwind came to a close and I was back in Alaska, I found myself in a deep, deep depression.

Where did this excitement go? My conversation banter now consisted of how many times Charlie licked Waverley’s mouth that day.

Aside from the obvious sadness of losing a parent, I wondered who on earth I was without a professional identity, did I go to school for so many years to stay at home with a baby, and is it possible to go insane from picking a baby spoon up off the floor one million and one times in a day? These queries plagued me daily. Additionally, the dynamic of my marriage shifted dramatically and I was not a fan of the new normal. (Also, why does no one talk about this part? Was it just me? Perhaps we can save this topic for later.) I usually provided a plethora of dinner talk regarding the crazy diagnoses I saw that day or the time I legit treated a Princess from the Middle East or when I saw Ben Carson walking the halls or other interesting tidbits from the day. Where did this excitement go? My conversation banter now consisted of how many times Charlie licked Waverley’s mouth that day. (Too many to count! Haha, can you believe it? More wine, please.)

“I feel really lucky about this time I have now to go all in for the kids and not have to balance. It is really difficult doing both- career and young kids.” –Bree, Labor and Delivery Nurse

Being a stay-at-home mother is a fabulous blessing but is also hard, hard work. It is emotionally, physically, and mentally draining. I also do not recommend transitioning to being a stay-at-home mother in a new state as I attribute much of my difficulty in this role to living in a new, foreign place in the dead of winter with no friends or Whole Foods. As I reflect on each home/work life balancing act, I realize there are many benefits and pitfalls to each scenario. Time for a stay-at-home pro/con list! My favorite.

Pros of Staying at Home Full-Time

• Children grow so, so fast. It is wonderful to be there for every milestone and new development without missing a beat.
• Provides stability and consistency for the kiddos.
• It is truly a gift to be there to kiss of scrape, bruise, and bump. This really does promote a deep and meaningful parent/child relationship.
• Children are raised just how parents want them to be; There is no “Ugh she learned that at daycare” or “The nanny feeds them too much junk!”
• Childcare can be a huge complicated, stressful mess and staying at home completely minimizes this stressor.
• Kiddos receive unconditional love and devotion more likely than at daycare, etc.
• It’s super convenient to go grocery shopping during the day rather than on weekends or after work in the evening.
• Lunch dates with the kiddos and/or with friends help break up the monotony of the day.
• If one so desired, it’s perfectly acceptable to stay in pajamas until 10:00am.
• Gym daycare!
• Play dates and mom friends.
• It is easy and convenient for the partner who works to leave, knowing everything is being taken care of.
• Mornings are much less stressful than when both parents are trying to get ready to leave for work.
• It is more feasible to provide wholesome, nutritious meals when staying at home. Not that it always happens!

Cons of Staying at Home Full-Time

• Transitioning from a dual-income to a single-income family is difficult. Really difficult.
• Shifting roles with a partner may cause relationship strain. This requires significant effort and communication to avoid resentment.
• The monotony can be painful. The difficulty for me was less with child-rearing and more to do with cooking and cleaning what felt like all day every day. There was little sense of accomplishment when cleaning up the same mess from a different meal 5x/day.
• There are no breaks. The weekends come and go with little differentiation from the week.
• Without the constant presence of coworkers it is easy to feel isolated and lonely, even when surrounded by tiny humans all day.
• It can be difficult to connect with friends who do not have children, because it seems like staying at home is so easy and life should be a dream. It is hard to quantify these struggles.
• Having time to do things is a misnomer. There is no time! It is all about the kids.
• Lack of professional stimulation, adult conversation, and missing camaraderie with coworkers.
• Mom shaming. I’ve experienced mom shaming and it stung like a third-degree burn when I was told I had “no responsibilities” in life because I was staying at home.
• Identity crisis!
• Scheduling personal appointments to attend sans children is nearly as difficult as escaping prison.

How to Make the Most Out of Staying at Home Full-Time

• Create a routine and stick to it, as in a daily routine (e.g., nap schedules) but also a weekly routine (e.g., grocery store on Wednesdays, laundry on Thursdays, play dates on Fridays.).
• Be social! Make friends with women who have children around the same age. Schedule play dates, sign up for classes, and cultivate a supportive community. This took me a very long time to accomplish but having a group of girlfriends in this phase of life has completely changed my perspective on motherhood.
• Get. Out. Of. The. House!
• Let go of perfection. There is no need for a spotless house and gourmet dinners every night! This is not Stepford.
• Utilize modern conveniences like Blue Apron and grocery delivery, neither of which are available in Alaska…
• Schedule breaks. If possible, hire a babysitter for a few hours/week to enjoy some alone time. I only wish I’d done this sooner, but I felt too guilty leaving Waverley if I wasn’t “working.” (Mom guilt is fierce and oftentimes illogical.)
• Stay up-to-date on the outside world and avoid living in a stay-at-home bubble. Read the news, travel, discuss politics, read for fun, learn new things.
• Do not let anyone make you feel less than anything for staying at home. It is a difficult and honorable choice.

A few of the most intelligent, hardworking, and intentional women I know are stay-at-home mothers. I am constantly inspired by what they are capable of completing in a day, all the while mothering their tribe with grace and patience. Staying at home full-time is not for everyone. The most important aspect of staying at home is to feel confident in your choice and to own it, despite outside influences. Being able to understand the reasons and appreciate the sacrifices are imperative to success as a stay-at-home parent. Choosing what is best for your family is what will lead to collective familial happiness!

Are you a stay-at-home parent or considering making the shift? I’d love to know your thoughts! Also, tune in next week for Mom Seeks Work Balance: Part Two (Work From Home)!