As with most milestones, it’s hard to believe Nate and I have been married for five years. I still vividly remember the feeling of being engaged and in a constant state of surprise because it was the kind of thing that happened to other people and not to me. (This is actually a very similar experience to being pregnant and having a baby!) The five years Nate and I have been married has gone by relatively quickly, yet I feel as if we’ve packed a near lifetime into this short time as Mr. and Mrs. Our actual anniversary was on Friday and while out to dinner we reminisced about the big things that occurred our first five years of marriage:
- One surprise pregnancy!
- Two cross-country moves: Oregon ⇒ Maryland ⇒ Alaska
- Five different homes (including the purchase of our first house!)
- Two major surgeries
- Seven collective jobs
- The death of a parent
- One European adventure + planning for a second
- 25 states visited
At dinner we also chatted endlessly about the methods to our madness (e.g., why did we move to Alaska??), where we thought we’d be at this point, and where we want to be in five years. We asked the questions we always want to know the answers to from others and questions that others most frequently ask us. Here’s a recap of our Q&A, for your reading pleasure!
What is the best thing we’ve done in the last five years?
Me: Moving to Maryland. I feel like it was the start of a lifetime of doing our own thing as a couple. I am proud of how much we accomplished there without our family or friends. Every accomplishment was due to our hard work and perseverance rather than familial or school connections. I think we came into our own as professionals and as a couple.
Nate: Our cross-country drive from Maryland to Alaska. Everyone thought we were crazy for attempting it with a newborn, but she was great and it was actually a lot of fun.
If someone asked you on our wedding day where we’d be in five years, what would you have said?
Me: Living in Seattle. I’d be in the middle of getting my PhD at University of Washington. Nate would be working for a private practice.
Nate: Since we were just about to move from Oregon to Maryland for the next few years, I didn’t know exactly where we’d be in five years because that seemed like an eternity away. I knew I wanted to be back out west where I could hunt and fish more than on the east coast. I definitely wouldn’t have guessed we’d have an eighteen month-old though!
What is the hardest aspect of marriage?
Me: Letting the little things go. For example, when he eats like a Neanderthal and I want to throw his plate against the wall because my insides are shriveling up from the sounds of chewing and his fork scraping the plate. Clearly he’s not trying to offend me on purpose, but it does destroy my soul. (You guys he has made incredible improvements with his eating habits and this doesn’t happen very often anymore!)
Nate: Realizing we are a team and not keeping score.
What is the best part of being married for five years?
Me: I feel like we are past many of the growing pains of the early years of marriage. We have more time to spend together happily because we are not always trying to figure out the annoying aspects of sharing a life with someone. We still have plenty to talk about and genuinely enjoy one another’s company yet can spend time apart and not fall apart.
Nate: I continue to learn. I feel like I am learning to be more patient, understanding, and supportive. Also, I am a much better dresser now than I was five years ago.
What is most surprising about marriage?
Me: How much thoughtful discussion and handwork it takes. Also, how incredibly easy it is to slip into an angst-y routine of being annoyed at one another. It really is a conscientious decision to remain open and communicate earnestly. Sometimes I just don’t want to and would rather be emotionally cutoff, but that never works out for the best.
Nate: How much compromise is involved and how difficult it is to compromise at an inopportune time.
What do you think is the most important characteristic of being a good spouse?
Me: Empathy. I think it is extremely important to be able to put yourself in your spouse’s position and to try as hard as possible to walk in their shoes. I think genuinely considering their stance can dramatically impact one’s own viewpoint, provide a deeper connection, and stave off unnecessary arguments.
Nate: Good communication skills. It’s really important to be able to express your feelings in a calm demeanor.
Five years after the stress and expense of the wedding: would you do it again?
Me: Absolutely! Obviously there are a million things I’d change, but I would go through the stress and effort again in a second if given the opportunity. I’ll always remember the happiness I felt on that day. Part of that happiness was due to having all of our closest friends and family under one roof. That just doesn’t happen in day-to-day life and I wouldn’t trade that memory for anything.
Nate: Yeah (tentatively). I would plan better, as in plan for the unexpected and devote more of the wedding budget to an emergency fund. Because there were definitely emergencies at the end.
What is the best advice you received about marriage?
Me: To get on the same page financially and to invest in a big, comfortable bed. I think both of those nuggets of wisdom were said by my aunt and uncle, who have been married for nearly 50 years (I think). Getting on the same page financially was our biggest struggle, but our life is so much easier now that we both share our financial goals and spending habits.
Nate: Don’t go to bed angry. Give your husband two massages a week.
