When I was engaged to my husband, I had cold feet.  Like really cold feet.  It was hard to talk to anyone about it because everyone just says “Oh you just have cold feet.  Don’t worry.”  Helpful.  My friend Bree, who had already been married for three years, gave me the best answer I heard: It’s impossible to know for sure, you just have to know enough and be willing to work on the relationship for the rest of your life.  Well, in my case it actually was just cold feet and I am now happily married and forever grateful my hesitation towards lifelong commitment didn’t get the best of me.  But, what if having cold feet really is a sign that the marriage is doomed?  I’ve recently heard of some couples who divorced after one to two years of marriage.  This breaks my heart!  It made me think of my husband and I and how we knew (enough) that we were each other’s *the one*, although there were plenty of bumps along the way.  Together we came up with a list of twelve topics couples should ask themselves when facing a life together.  Before marriage or a lifelong commitment to one another both people should confidently be able to assert the following, otherwise more time is needed in the dating phase or get. out. now. save. yourself. the. trouble. of. divorce.:

1. You want to get married to him/her.  It’s not about the wedding(!) or just getting married for the sake of getting married, but spending your life with that particular person.

2. There are zero doubts the other person may be unfaithful.

3. You share the same fundamental principles in life, such as having/not having kids and financial habits.  And regarding kids, you agree on the number to have and child care (e.g., will one person stay at home, work part time, will the kids be in daycare full time, etc.).

4. You are your best self when around the other person.  And he/she is their best self when around you.

5. You share the same idea of what constitutes a rocking Saturday night.

6. You respect each other’s hobbies yet share a few hobbies together.

7. You believe in each other’s dreams.  You’d move across the country for your spouse’s career.

8. You could survive on your own.  This sounds weird, I mean you’re not getting married solely due to financial reasons or fear of being alone.  It’s better to be alone than with someone who’s not right.

9.  You call each other out on mishaps without getting butt hurt (that’s our term for being too sensitive).  Nathan and I will often point out each other’s ridiculous behavior.  Recently, in a dramatic scene at the airport when our flight was delayed for the third time, I burst into tears.  (I was really tired, okay?)  He said, “Lesleigh, pull yourself together!”  And I did.  And that was that.  Because I fell asleep.

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10. You are genuinely and truly best friends.

11.  You are comfortable being yourself in front of the other person.  When Nathan and I first started spending the night at each other’s house (um, Dad, are you reading this?  Because if you are, clearly I mean when we got married.), I’d wake up in the middle of the night hearing Nathan in the bathroom letting go of all the fury he’d been holding in that day.  Poor guy had quite the stomach ache.  Now, obviously, he’s not shy and lets go of his fury at any given moment.  He’s pretty comfortable around me now and was at the time we got engaged.

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12. You listen to each other.  Fortunately, Nathan and I both work in healthcare and can relate to the daily battles experienced in this field.  We come home, talk/gripe about our day for 20-30 minutes, and move on with life.  If we couldn’t express this, I think we’d end up stewing all night with thoughts of our day’s struggles.

I am not an expert on marriage/relationships.  I’m learning as I go.  Nathan and I have been married for not-quite-three-years and we have a long journey ahead.  I hear having children really does a number on marriage, so we have that to look forward to someday.  I think in the frenzy of engagement (the ring! the planning! the fuss!) it’s très important to sit down and have a truly honest chat with yourself and your significant other.  Nathan and I went through pre-marital counseling which was extremely beneficial.  Although we had already discussed most of the major issues on our own, it was wonderful to have an objective third party weigh in on our conversations (i.e., point out how wise I was).

What are your thoughts?  What else do you think is essential before planning a life together?