Last week a dear friend inquired my thoughts regarding her reproduction. She’s 36 years-old, recently married, and facing a turning point in life: should she try to have a baby or continue to live her awesomely childless life? She’s at a true Y in the road and feels this would be her last chance to have a baby given her “advanced maternal age.” It’s now or never. Yet, the kicker remains that her happy life plan never included children. This has never been something to check off her list or a calling she felt destined for. She loves her job (she was named Employee of the Year this past year!) and due to the nature of her work would have to completely redefine her role during pregnancy due to proximity to dangerous chemicals. It’s a tough call.

I think she turned to me because we share a similar outlook on working, families, and a Type A-ness that made us perfect study partners throughout undergrad. Prior to having Waverley, I wasn’t sure I wanted children and I can say with absolute certainty that the longer I would have waited the less inclined I’d be to have a baby. Fortunately for me, the choice was made for me and I never came face to face with such a life-changing decision– until we decided to have another. Knowing this about myself and her knowing it about me led her to asking the question: Do you think I should have a baby? Because sometimes a little objectivity is best, especially for my little scientist friend, here’s what I have to say to all of you in a similar conundrum. It’s not mushy, gushy “a baby will make your life complete” sermon. It’s real and honest and complicated, because that’s what children are and what they do to your life. So, my dear friend, here is my answer to your heavily loaded question:

The pros to having a baby are difficult to quantify before actually having one, because so many of the reasons are emotional.

• Having a baby will teach you more about yourself and how to love unconditionally than any other relationship.
• Any kind of solo time without the baby is magical and will turn even the most cynical person into a grateful unicorn.
• It’s absolutely amazing to assist with a tiny human growing from a helpless infant to a functional person.
• Love.
• It’s a law of nature that you will think your baby/toddler/child is a precious gift from heaven, therefore think you have created the most amazing human ever. Which is neat.
• Carrying on and starting new holiday traditions with your own children are practically reasons enough.
• Hopefully everyone’s own children will be around when we are older to keep us company and help if needed.
• A full table and plenty of conversation.
• Someone to bequeath all of this hard-earned wisdom to. Even though they likely won’t listen.
• Time out with friends is appreciated much more. Even grabbing coffee is special and wonderful.
• Material possessions become inconsequential when considering your child’s life.
• You get to see your spouse become a parent. There is nothing better and you will fall in love all over again.
• The highs are high, especially the first real high right after the babe is born. I’ve never done drugs, but I imagine the newborn high right after childbirth is close.
• “I love you, Mama.”

The cons to having a baby sound pretty harsh, but they are certainly tangible!

• You will always feel tired and never completely rested. Ever. Again.
• Spontaneity will become a delightful notion of the past, as every outing will require planning for either childcare or packing bags of baby supplies, planning out nap time, etc.
• Restaurant choices with children are slim.
• Going out to restaurants with babies and toddlers is an intense game of Russian roulette. It could be lovely and calm or you could possible die.
• Friends without kids will slowly but surely stop wanting to hangout with you.
• Childcare is difficult to find and expensive to pay for.
• Your body: stretch marks, peeing when you sneeze, a pelvis that just doesn’t feel quite right…these are just a sampling of how having a baby can permanently alter your body.
• Tantrums. Mood swings. Fits of rage. All packed into a teeny tiny person who has much to say and a unique position of completely ruining your day.
• Baby gear is expensive.
• Kids are expensive!
• Sometimes the added stress of having a wee babe can cause marital friction.
• Weekends will eventually revolve around children’s birthday parties, extracurricular activities, nap and meal times. Goodbye life.
• Depending on your career, a child could potentially destroy it.
• It won’t just be the two of you anymore.

So, my dear, does this answer your question? It is a lot to sacrifice. But a lot to gain. It’s the most impactful and personal choice one has to make and I certainly don’t think parenthood is for everyone. I hope that for those who don’t choose to have children, you feel confident in your choice and not judged. Live your awesome life, tell me your adventurous stories, and enjoy living the Dual Income No Kids life! For those that do decide to have children, welcome to the club. Parenthood will change you but I think you’ll like the new you.