I am kind of a walking enigma. A weird contradiction that just doesn’t quite make sense. I’ve always had an easy repertoire with children, starting at my first teenage job teaching swim lessons to working in pediatrics as an occupational therapist. Working with children seemed to come easy to me and I always preferred them to adult counterparts. However, when I became a mother, it wasn’t as easy as one would expect from such a “natural.” I wasn’t sure how I felt about this new being ruling my life and every time I felt comfortable in a phase, bam!, she’d grow out of it and a whole new plethora of needs smacked me in the face. It’s really difficult to find one’s groove in motherhood when the only constant is change. It took me a while to really come into my own as a mother. It wasn’t until a girlfriend told me I seemed to be thriving in this new role that I felt perhaps I had finally figured out my personality as a mother. Some of us are fortunate, I think, and hit their stride mere seconds after giving birth. Others, though, may be considered late bloomers and struggle to identify with being a mother and finding their groove as a mother. Here is how I finally let go of my fears and discovered my groove as a momma.
1. I distanced myself. Living far away from friends and family can be a blessing and a curse. On one hand, there are no aunties running over to babysit. On the other hand, I had a blank slate to develop my parenting personality. I think it is easy to be influenced when constantly surrounded by the same people, and habits that may not be innate grow wild from overexposure. I believe the unintended separation I experienced allowed for the opportunity to nurture and develop my own parenting philosophy and put it into action. Basically, I found my groove as a momma because I had few immediate frames of reference.
2. I started taking care of myself. Take care of yourself. Remember that aside from being a mother, you are woman. You are a friend, a daughter, a sister, a spouse/significant other. You are a person with interests and dreams and goals. Do not let motherhood envelope your every role and trait. Keep planning your life and ensuring you are taking care of yourself in a way that makes you feel good (for me this means exercising regularly, getting manicures, and working), otherwise motherhood will eat you alive and that is not a Momma Groove anyone wants.
3. I read as much as possible. Similar to most areas in life, reading as much as possible from a variety of viewpoints will only increase understanding and broaden horizons. I don’t mean read one book and follow it methodically, I mean read a dozen books and pick and choose the philosophies that work well for you and your family. I wouldn’t categorize myself as any one type of parent, but I do implore a variety of tips and theories from several groups to create my own Momma Groove that works for me. Also, it’s a great way to understand those who share different philosophies. (And by understanding I hope we can facilitate an end to needless Momma Wars or judgments, am I right?)
4. I sought advice from parents I admire. Seeming contrary to #1, this is just about finding balance in surrounding yourself with parents who portray parenting philosophies you admire. Find these people and ask a million questions. Find out what makes them tick. Ask how they do it. Spend time with them to see them in action. I found it immensely useful to figure out what parenting traits I wanted to incorporate into my daily life and also aspects that just aren’t my style.
5. Lead by example. This is, at times, the most difficult to act on but I feel has the most benefit. When I act the way I want Waverley to act (for example, using manners, remaining calm, being kind) it serves as a catalyst for her behavior. This then reinforces the Momma Groove and parenting philosophy I hope to emulate, which is one without yelling and snarky comments. When I am respectful and kind to her and others, she is more likely to act respectful and kind to myself and others, too. Which just makes me feel like I am really in the Momma Groove of my dreams. (But, I hear the three’s are the worst, so we’ll check back in a year!)
If you’re struggling to find your groove as a mother, I hope this helps. I also hope you aren’t beating yourself up about it if your Momma Groove is not coming naturally or as quickly as you hoped. For me, it required time, intention, and continues to require a level of patience I did not know was humanly possible– even after years working in pediatrics. I’d love to know, how did you find your Momma Groove?
