Last year I lost my dad. He passed away suddenly and painfully and the experience forever changed the landscape of my family. His passing infiltrated my DNA and changed me along with it; I am both harder and softer, more understanding yet more suspicious. During the time of his passing, I was put into an especially precarious position because I experienced the biggest tragedy of my own personal life while also adjusting to motherhood. I was navigating two new worlds: one I wasn’t so sure about and one that I definitely knew I wanted nothing to do with.

I’d experienced disappointments, life dramas, family dysfunction, etc, prior to his passing away. I felt I had my go-to repertoire of coping skills to handle most events thrown my way. However, I quickly surmised that my usual method of recovery would not work anymore. I could no longer throw myself into work or a project, spend an entire weekend in bed watching TV and eating Thai takeout, spend hours at the gym each day, go on a crazy shopping spree, or bake approximately 3,000 muffins. I couldn’t do any of that! I had a young baby at home who needed me every 30 seconds or so. Time for myself was/is the luxury I did/do not have. Goodbye binge watching Grey’s Anatomy. Hi there happy/sad Mama. I found myself not knowing how to grieve when someone else’s life depended solely on me.

With the encouragement of friends and my husband, I picked up a few tricks to ensure I allowed myself time to mourn rather than stuff every feeling down, down, down. Grieving as a parent is difficult and different, albeit parenting does provide a nice distraction. Here are the ways in which I made it through the first year:

1. Prioritize time. Obviously certain unpleasant things need to be done regardless of life’s curveballs (laundry, grocery shopping, work, etc). However, this is a good opportunity to weed out unnecessary tasks that weigh one down. This includes taking a break from people who suck your soul, letting go of perfectionistic tendencies (e.g., keeping the house immaculately clean), and bogging oneself down with chores that could otherwise be delegated (sometimes a Tuesday night takeout dinner is essential for mental health!). I tried/still try to prioritize my time in a way that enable opportunities for activities that are uplifting and energizing.

2. Schedule time for grieving. This piece of advice, coming from a friend who knew a similar loss, was the hardest for me to do yet extremely beneficial. She suggested going for a 30 minute walk with the sole purpose to think of my dad, to cry, to allow myself to feel everything. Then, when I returned home, switch gears back to mothering. It made a big difference in how I carried out the day because I felt relief and did not have as heavy of a heart weighing me down throughout the day.

3. Talk to kids about who is gone. Given that Waverley was only six months-old at the time my dad passed away, she didn’t know him well and doesn’t remember him. She still has no idea what I am really talking about, but if something reminds me of him I don’t stuff it down and move on. Instead, I mention it to her: Your Papa loved this song; I wish we had some of his freshly caught tuna for this sammich!; Wouldn’t a weekend at his beach house be fun?; Your Papa always said “it is what it is.” And then I feel better, too. She also has a framed picture of her and him together up in her room which I point to often.

4. Show kids it’s okay to be sad. I think it’s really important to show kids it’s okay to be sad, to cry, and miss someone who is gone. Always putting on a brave, stoic face almost diminishes their pain and feelings. Show them how to healthily mourn so grief doesn’t creep up in other ways.

5. Ask for help. I am the worst at this. I recognize this now in hindsight and wish I had been able to ask for a little break every now and then last year. Perhaps then I wouldn’t have had a huge meltdown this weekend. I did get a big one this weekend, and my spirits and heart were forever lifted.

Have you had to overcome tragedy with children at home? How did you cope?