“It’s a girl!” was one of the most terrifying sentences I’ve ever heard. I was about 11 weeks along and received the news over the phone. Boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy I prayed. It had to be a boy: I was craving salty foods and my skin looked amazing. So, you know, scientific reasoning dictated a male. “Congratulations!” shrieked the genetic counselor. “It’s a girl!” Nate gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I composed myself, said thank you, and ended the phone call. I sat down on the couch. I cried. Those tears lasted for at least two weeks. They’d get me in the middle of the night and at the grocery store. I mourned the loss of the boy I never even had.

I don’t even know what to do with a girl.

My mind kept wandering to my teenage years. They were hard. Those years were littered with insecurities, depression, and disordered eating. I can’t bring a little girl into this world who may have the same fate. I had dark thoughts.

My mind wandered to mothers and daughters. Will I annoy her? Will she be proud I am her mother? Will we be best friends? Will she … love me? Will I love her?

My mind wandered to magazines, beauty ideals, and self-esteem. Will she rise above it? Will she be able to feel beautiful regardless of her size or how she looks?

That week I saw a four year-old little girl wearing black knee-high boots, a short denim skirt, and a black tank top. My heart sank. “Is this what we have to look forward to?” I asked Nate.

Towards the end of the pregnancy I grew more excited about having a girl. Seeing how happy Nate was about her certainly helped and I began to think of the lessons I wanted to teach her and the fun traditions we could begin together. I actually started buying clothes that weren’t completely gender neutral! Then this commercial came out and I thought, maybe things are turning around for little girls? Now, I love having a girl. I cannot imagine her any different and I actually grow sad when I think of her being a boy. I am so blissfully happy with her that I could see myself only having girls! There are several pearls of wisdom (hahaha) I think any young girl could use (I know I could have) and I have been compiling them in a letter to Waverley for a later date. At the top of the list? I want her to know there is no rule that says girls have to choose between being beautiful, athletic, smart, or kind. You can be all of them.

Earlier this week, I sent my mom a video of Waverley shaking her head no to me when I politely asked her to sit on her tushy in her chair. My mom responded: Just like her mama at that age!

I guess we have our work cut out for us.

What about you? Did you have a feeling one way or the other about what you were having? Were you sad to learn the gender was different than what you expected?